Family and friends…

I am so incredibly blown away right now, that it defies description.

Anyone who has known me any length of time knows that I extricated myself from an abusive marriage a little over three years ago. You know that I have been financially devastated, which was a deliberate attempt to drive me to bankruptcy that might still be successful (I may actually lose my truck at any time, but I can’t risk my opportunity at my real job by trying to work a 2nd graveyard job and screwing up my health again) as well as being stalked after the marriage.

You know that I made a very stupid decision (that I take full responsibility for) in entering into that marriage. (I was being co-dependent and wanted to “help” and “be needed” at a very depressing time in my life). You also know that I paid every price possible for it. (and am still paying financially and in my ability to trust myself to enter into functional relationships) I do not grieve the loss of the marriage, that person, or that relationship, which I am so grateful to have escaped alive (which can’t be said for his first wife; if only I had known at the time the legal and arrest records that were suppressed under “deferred prosecution”)

You also know that the reason I entered into the terrible situation and stayed in it WAY too long (not making excuses for my own stupidity here) was to be a “mother” to a 9 year old girl who had seen nothing but tragedy in her life.

I decided a long time ago not to reproduce and pass my family legacy (on both sides) of alcoholism and abuse on to another generation. I also learned early on that marrying a man and bearing his children was nothing more than a way to be trapped and controlled. I also never met a man that I would bear and raise children with. Thank the gods that was the one mistake I never made in my life.

But then, there was my future stepdaughter, raised in an alcoholic, drug addicted, dysfunctional home where her mother died of a drug overdose suspected (but not proven) to have been administered by her twice convicted, alcoholic husband after she filed for divorce (his story was that she died of a congenital heart defect). A little girl that looked at me with big brown eyes, wanting me to be her “Mommy”. I was the first person to take her hiking, camping or to even BBQ on the balcony. A little girl that was overweight, unhappy, failing in school and who the kids made fun of. She later (after I became her mother) became an honor roll student, select athlete and had a great group of friends.

I was also the first person to ever tell her that she should say “please” or “thank you”. I was the first person to ground her for disobeying, and the first person to tell her that the worst thing you could do in any situation is to lie. I was the first person to tell her that her integrity and honesty was more important than anything. I was the first person to teach her to budget and be fiscally responsible (little girls who are given everything they want, get married early, often unhappily, in order to be “taken care of”). I was the first person to teach her that it was important to give back to her community and to care about others.

Her father, on the other hand, taught her that it was perfectly acceptable to lie, cheat and even steal to get what you want. He went back on every agreement we made as a “family” about budget, social action or anything. When I balked at her being bought all her school clothes at Abercrombie and Fitch when the family had agreed upon a budget (teaching her to be responsible and to mange money; she could have one or two things from there, but needed to learn how to live in the “real world” and buy other things on sale for from “less cool” places) her father would override the agreement, telling her that “Your step-mother is jealous of you and doesn’t want you to have nice things”

That is what broke my heart…. Losing, and having turned against me, the little girl that I loved and raised as my own. I don’t believe in the words, “step”, “half” or “adopted”. The only thing that matters is love. I loved and raised that girl as my own, and at her most vulnerable, selfish and obnoxious years (13 years old) her father turned her against me during our divorce.

I have not seen nor talked to her since, and probably never will again. I’m sure she hates me (her father was good about hating and teaching hate and lying)

There is a hole in my heart that will never be filled, and a wrong that will never be righted. But I have accepted that and try my best every day not to grieve for that, or for what I tried to teach her. I try hard every day, to move on and to heal. It’s not easy.

And then someone (who, is not important) sent me this…

This is what I taught her, and the exact opposite of what her father taught her.

She wrote this. I don’t know when I’ll stop crying.

I DID make a difference.

It wasn’t all for nothing.

These are the words of a sixteen year old girl who was raised to be selfish, to lie and do anything to get what she wanted. She was raised to be selfish and spoiled and to disregard anything I taught her about charity or giving back. But she still wrote this.

I am crying. I don’t know when I’ll stop. But it’s out of happiness, and learning that I DID make a difference.

I am truly blown away…

Here is what she wrote, that was sent to me…

Monday, November 14, 2005

one of the only things i am sure of
Current mood: hopeful and hopelessly thankful


in light of the holiday season which is quickly approaching, people are looking through catalogs more frequently and are being extra nice to get that something extra special. the cleaning of closests and assessment of possession is daily and everyone is in a good mood.
one good and hollow mood. as you chase the fleeting fashions of the soon to be upgraded technology and the jeans that will be cool for six months there are those who have nothing. there are those who dont know its Christmas and theyre the lucky ones. have you ever took the time to think about those who sit in class just thankful for their next meal? have you ever looked to see if one of your classmates would be one of hte people who can barely afford everyday nessicites much less the extravagence of a south hill Christmas. it makes me sick to think that i myself have been more concerned with my own computer and a new ipod when there are those who dont have a calculator.
usually i am joking and kidding but this is serious. you make me sick those of you who cant bring yourselfs to even think about those who dont get anything because you are too caught up in hollister and apple. in this well constructed and insulated little town, the tv image of happiness you forget the very essence of what this season is about. those of you with the audacity to think you wont have a good Christmas because heaven forbid you dont get your new car should take a drive out, a little out of hte city to somewhere near the base or hilltop. yeah its funny to joke about being shot but what about this little kids, kids just as precious as you were at six that will wake up to a house with no Christmas music and breakfast and certainly no presents.|
i dont mean to be hipocritical and say taht all presents are bad because i will be receiving some amazing ones this year. i will be giving but this is what i am saying in this, give thanks for what oyu have and maybe even give back. think back to when you were six or seven, the excitment and anticipation that builds months in advance to the wonderful christmas morning. now think of what it would be like to not have that, to be an outsider looking in knowing you wont be getting anything, not even the satisfaction of tearing open the paper to peer inside.
not everyone can save the world and not everyone will open Christmas presents on that wonderful morning, but everyone can be thankful, everyone can give and everyone deserves to receive. remember that no matter how flawlessly hallmark and abercrombie packages it, this isnt a season of getting but giving. please give thanks, even if thats all its good enough. thats all i ask.
and maybe if the thought of a broken heart on Christmas morning breaks yours like mine, give back and adopt a family or give to a toy drive, put yourself in their shoes, which are probably tattered and worn.

not to be a downer on the holidays, good lord have a good time and laugh and shop. just remember and if this does bum you out, giving will give you a satisfaction that nothing can take away, and believe me you wont feel guilty if you give.
much love.

I had a lot of things I wanted to say tonight. But they seem pretty insignificant after reading that.

~L